Plans and Our Path

What is normal?  How does one define it?  I suppose some define it as everything going as planned, smooth sailing, secure, happy and you fit in with the Jone's (who the hell are the Jone's??).  Maybe that is idealistic.  Or maybe normal is, in fact, your life.  Strings that tie one experience to the next exciting thrill, with a low point mixed in.   As adults, we know that life is not all good times.  We know that hardships happen, and loved ones get sick.  We know that as much as we can pray and wish and hope and dream that things will be smooth, there will always come a time when you're riding that sled down the hill, laughing and knowing everything is perfect....and bam....... you just hit that f***ing tree.

My tree was big and tall and strong.  My tree took me by my arms and shook me around a bit. 

I was hesitant on sharing this story here, but i have to.  This is now a part of me, so i have to be able to express my thoughts going forward.  I was admitted to the Hospital on October 16th.  In the early morning hours, i was experiencing shortness of breath and nausea.  I was shaking all over.  My husband got me dressed and brought me to the ER.  They checked me right in (luckily the waiting room was vacant), and within minutes i had all sorts of wires and a EKG machine hooked up to me.  The doctors and nurses calmly chatted with me, while they rushed around, trying to pretend things weren't serious.  

I remember my husband being more worried than i have ever seen him.  I remember him asking all of the right questions, while i joked around trying to get the nurses to give me a drink of water, i was so damn thirsty.  I remember them putting defibrillator pads on my chest and back, and seeing my husband sit calmly, but more aware.  I remember them putting medicine into my iv that made my heart stop, my body clench, my throat tighten, and my breath nonexistent.  It lasted three seconds, and they put that medicine in me three times.  I remember crying from fright and the feeling like horse kicked me in the chest.  I remember the Kleenex box Jason had, and how he wiped my tears. 

I remember the doctor saying that the medicine didn't work, to slow my heart down.  I was still beating at 170 BPM.  A young nurse came in and drew some blood.  The doctor asked if i was pregnant.  Jason  said we were not sure, but i could be, we hadn't taken a test yet.  We were trying to have a baby.  The doctor nodded and walked away. 

We had to wait ten minutes for the cardiologist to come and look at my heart monitor, Jason stepped out of the room to call my parents and our work.  All i could think about was how thirsty i was and nobody was helping me out with any water!  Jason said i was funny in the ER, like i didn't really get how severe this was.  I was probably out of it, with my heart racing a marathon and all.

So the cardiologist came in, examined my monitor reports, and said that my heart is not the problem, and is perfectly healthy.  Thank god!!  At that point, my first doctor came back in and said the blood tests relieved that i had hyperthyroidism.  And i had a severe case of it.  On his way out, he turned around and said:

Doctor:  Oh, and you're not pregnant.  (quickly rushes out)

Me:  Well thank god!  Who knows what drugs they have been pumping through me!

Hubs:  Huni-  look at all these machines hooked up to you!  Look at you're heart going nuts!  Thank god they took those defibrillator pads off.  I'm so glad those are gone.  phew.  I'm going to call you're parents again.

Me:  I'm really, really thirsty.  I'm sad we're not pregnant.

Hubs: Huni, you just said you were happy we weren't! 

And so it went.

I spent the night in the hospital with hubs by my side, while they monitored my heart and got the rate down to 110 when i was discharged the next day.  Over the next few days, i met with the endocrinology specialist, in which case he determined that i have Grave's Disease, which is caused by my hyperthyroid.  There are three ways to get the thyroid under control, but he suggested in my case, to have surgery and remove the whole thyroid.

Super.

I am home until the surgery and i recover, choking down 15 pills a day.  After talking over all of our options, this seemed like the safest way for us to still have a family, and for my long term health.  Once the thyroid is removed, i will just take one hormone pill a day, for the rest of my life.

It seems like once the thyroid is out, it will be one of those diseases that i forget i have.  It will not be apparent and will not interrupt my life, our life.  The dotor told me that it is the type of disease you will die with and not from.  Which is a neat way of thinking about it. 

And really, so, so many people have a thyroid problem, and they are living happy, normal lives. 

My new normal is pretty damn close to my old normal.  I know for sure I'm not pregnant (and can't be until they adjust my hormone pills after the surgery), so i can have a glass of pinot noir with dinner and a pumpkin beer on the weekends.  Right now, i can't let my heart rate get too high, so my love takes me on drives and we sight-see.  Or we goes on four wheeler rides, so i can get out into the woods. 

I am feeling lighthearted to the fact that we just missed the danger of Sandy.  My heart goes out to those whose home was flooded, and life flipped upside down.  I still have a roof over my head, a warm stove heating the house and fresh food on the table.  We are so lucky.

Right now i am enjoying having the time to take an afternoon nap, and to bake some fresh bread for the week ahead.  I am realizing that you can't take even one day for granted, and that this life really is pretty awesome.

I am reflecting and feeling grateful that we did not get pregnant, so that i can get my body back to normal before i have a life inside me.  I am imagining giving birth in a different season that we had planned out just right, and falling in love with a new journey, a new idea.

We are watching fall become winter and enjoying using our cookstove once again.

And finally, i am helping hubs chop down that tree, to fuel our fire. 

I am alive, I am well and I am happy.

All is right in in our world.

This is Halloween, This is Halloween

Halloween. 

A time to escape your reality and replace it with sugar, imagination and something or someone else you would like to be for an evening.  It involves dressing up your kids in cute little costumes and showing them off around town.  As they grow older, they will pick out their own costumes and you will try your hardest as a mama to make their outfits shine.

Growing up on the mountain, my mom would stay home to hand out candy while my dad would pile us in the van and we'd drive from door to door.  We usually did it with another family, and sometimes all in the same van.  I remember that Halloween when i couldn't decide if i wanted to be a princess or a ghost.  So my parents did what most parents wouldn't do and let me change half way through our night.  The princess dress from neat repeats was hemmed up, but i still tripped on it.  At one of the final houses, when i was getting tired, my brother actually carried me to the door.  Then the ghost sheet was falling off me, and i was tripping on that too, but it was great.  Its actually one of the only Halloweens i remember clearly. 

No matter how the night went, when we got home, my brothers and i would dump our loot on the living room floor, while my parents tried to sneak some of their favorites.  We carved our pumpkins on the eve of Halloween, or as we called it, cabage night.  As we grew, this night became a big event for our hamlet in the mountains.  Almost all of the kids and dad's participated.  We would stock up on toilet paper and flashlights.  We ran in the dark getting other houses.  One year, when my brothers deamed me old enough to participate, i got to stay home and be on watch to make sure no one toilet papered our house.  I was so proud of this position in the night.  I had my little tykes mega phone and litterly did laps around the house to keep a good eye out.  If i spotted someone, i would yell to my brothers.  The dew was wet on the ground and porch.  A sound frightened me in the back woods.  I ran away from it as fast as i could, around the house, up the steps and down on my nose.  I hit the steps just right, to slip and fall with the bridge of my nose breaking my fall on the third step. 

I didn't end up breaking it, but i did pass out for a bit and i believe there was some vomit involved.  When i woke up in my bed, i was sad that i let my brothers down.  They came home after hearing threats of the cops (oops!) and told me i did a great job.  My brothers rock. 

When cabbage night comes around, the next best part is the morning after.  Waking up to see if your trees are covered in white.  Driving around the neighborhood, seeing the damage you did to other peoples trees.  It was a glorious time, growing up on the mountain.

So here i sit, on All Hallow's Evening, enjoying greating the trick or treater's at the door with smiles on their faces, and warmth in my heart.  Time goes on and children grow before our very eyes.  Now i am my mother, handing out the candy.  Now i am remembering these experiences and traditions that made up my childhood. 

I smile as my husband and I watch The Nightmare Before Christmas, excited for Halloween ourselves.

I remember how i didn't want to stop trick or treating when everyone my age did.  I remember crying to my mother of how mad i was that i had to grow up.  I remember playing and using my imagination longer than my peers.  I remember how my parents didn't stop me, but more importantly how they encouraged me to stay young and do what makes me happy.

My parents laid down a foundation of family life that i can't wait to create with my own little ones in the following years.  Memories that they will look back on with happiness and love for who they are and where they are from.

So now i'm off to finish my Pumpkinhead beer and settle in to celebrate this life and family i love.

Wishing you the happiest of Halloweens my friends!

Rich

I am a planner, a dreamer, a believer in the good, the happy and the glass is half full type of gal.  I'm sure most of that comes from growing up in a loving supportive home, but i think that other bit comes from being myself and loving the person i am.  

Sometimes my plans and dreams are not my reality just yet, and it frustrates me.  I come here, to this space, to hash it all out.  This space is my reflection on the good and the not so good.  Although i am worried of the future, i also know to be patient and that these things can't be rushed.  

But my reality right now?  It's awesome.  Its so awesome.  Lets not rush, to get to the next appointment, to run home and do the dishes, to quickly blog and take a photo.  I need to remind myself to savor this time in our journey.  To sleep in late and have spur of the moment road trips.  To take away a bit of that schedule i love, and replace it with life.   

This weekend was the good.  It was the pure, the rich life i love so, so much.

Saturday was the perfect fall day.

The air was crisp.  The chopped wood filled the air with that fresh cut sent.  Oh how i love that smell.  

That smell of autumn.

Just a light breeze to dry my fresh laundry

A quick pass (or two) over the garden to make sure its nice and tilled.

To finally falling back into the groove of cooking and baking.  A fresh pound of bacon split between corn chowder and bacon, green pepper and onion quiche.

A loaf of Banana bread.......

to use up the three rotting banana's that were rounding up far too many fruit flies in the kitchen.

Pumpkin pie with homemade crust.  (The other half was used for the quiche!)

An afternoon rest just before the rain came.

Yes, these were picked a few weeks ago, but we finally got an area ready in the basement for carrots, potatoes and apples!

We made applesauce a few weekends back, it turned out amazing!  The first batch i only flavored with cinnamon.  The second, with cinnamon and syrup!

I also made some peanut butter cookies to pack in lunches this week.

The early morning haze over the fields surrounding our home.  It's quite cozy in the mornings, drinking coffee with my love, watching the fog lift and the sun rise.

This morning we woke early, had a bowl of cereal together with coffee.  Then headed over to the farm to put up some more syrup.  An hour after we were home, we had another customer, good timing!

This weekend was my favorite.  A whole lot of living with my husband.  An exuberant amount of laughter, which he knows i need right now.  A whole lot of love and conversation about the future and our life.  A pint of Ben & Jerry's mint chocolate cookie and a slice of pumpkin pie.  A lot of picture taking and editing.   Some baby sewing and a ton of baking.

Not a lot of driving and going, nor a lot of cleaning mind you..ahem...

But we did have a whole weekend full of life,

right here,

at home.

Season's of New England : : September week Four

{ Daily pictures, outside. 

Not only to help encourage my camera use, but also to document our beautifully, diverse seasons here in New England.  These pictures will come in a wide variety of aspects, with the only stipulation of shooting outdoors, posted weekly. }

9/24:  Bloom.  Grow.  Be Patient.  Be kind.

9/25:  Our yard is filled with bursts of orange and yellow.  Pure Delight.

9/26:  Hubs just got home.  He stays put, letting me take just one more picture before dashing toward his daddy.

9/27:  The sun was out today, sitting in my office, itching to escape; to fly; to drive to the mountains.

9/28:  Thank goodness for these showers, this weather that pushes slowing down and taking care of myself.

9/29:  Four loads of fresh manure from the Gline's Farm in Canterbury.  Prepping our land and gardens for the next season.  A time of snow, flannel sheets, cook-stove baking and hibernating with my loves. 

9/30:  Overcast today.  A good day to bake, to slow down and relax in my home.

Reflections on Eating

"If Spring is rebirth, summer life, Winter brings peace, then Autumn is Reflection."

The past couple of years, i have become more cautious, more aware of what i eat.  I have been trying to buy whole foods.  Foods in which i know what all of the ingredients are on the label.  This is a hard, daunting task at times.  I find it most difficult when i browse the grocery store.  When i come across that box of Lucky Charms, and remember my love for their overly sugary sweetness.  The next thing i know, they find themselves in my cart, being checked out, following me home and into my bowl of farm fresh milk.

And that, is frustrating.

My body gets in this mode of the need for sugar, like a drug.  But when i have the courage to cut it out, and leave it be, i recondition myself into noticing just hints of sweetness, that i find so wonderful.

I grew up in Vermont where natural food co-ops are easy to find, nearly every town had them when i left.  Big ones full of promise and pure rich ingredients.  Sure, we have co-ops here, but they are so outrageously priced and low on variety i find it hard to believe we would be able to afford it, let alone get everything we need out of it.   

So this is why i feel the need to have a garden.  To grow our own meat.  To eat whatever we can locally.  Our family income structure is quite different from most.  My husband works seasonally, then finds himself a maple farmer in the winter and spring.  Last year, we stocked up a bit before winter layoff time came.  We purchased a beef package from a local farm that brought us through April.  I tucked away a few bags of fresh summer berries and grated Zucchini.  We bought Chicken and Turkey for the months ahead, and that was it.  

This year, i am determined.  We have 200 plus pounds of pork in the freezer.  I already purchased Organic chickens.  We ended up needing another freezer, as our first chest freezer is more than half full with garden goodness.  We will get the same beef package from the farm.  I stocked up on organic chicken broth for all of the soups and roasts over the winter.  Rice, Mac & Cheese, Tomato paste, pasta, Its all stocked up.  I feel so good to have all of this ready.  My hope is that our supply of goods will last us three months.  (Twelve for the pork).  I still need to get flour, sugar, and some other baking needs, but we are pretty ready.

As living beings, we know what our body needs, to thrive and be well.  We know that having donuts for breakfast instead of yogurt and granola is going to lead to poor decisions throughout the day.  Yet, we still do it.  We still tell ourselves that "i'm worth it, i deserve a treat."  

Yet, when i stop to think about that line, i don't actually think of junk food full of artificial everything.  I think of a Chai Soy Latte, of Waldorf salads with a fresh peach sliced on the side.  I imagine a homemade chicken pot pie, with crust made from scratch, filled with goodness from our garden.  Of taking the time to make homemade bread for the week ahead

  

What i deserve is a half glass of Morning Blend in the early hours.  I deserve dark rich chocolate without preservatives   My body deserves well balanced meals, that leave me satisfied and full.  My mind craves intense recipes that follow the season we are in.  

More water, more fruit, more whole grains.  People everywhere are going back to the land.  We are realizing what effects artificial chemicals have on our body.  We are rejoicing in home grown food.  We are having the conversation.  Encouraging each other to take that step back.  To learn what it is we are eating.  To feel gratitude for the meal.  

My husband and i are doing that for each other.  He is passionate about homegrown / local meats and dairy.  I am working on realizing what is in all of the boxed food we buy.  I am making the recipes from years past.  We are learning this way of living together and we are moving forward.

Of course we don't do this religiously, but I think the real goal here is to just be aware.  Be inquisitive.   Ask questions and dig in.  Our bodies deserve these questions.  These restraints.  We know what it is we need in order to thrive and grow.  We just need to listen.

Just as my dog knows that the fresh manure piles atop our gardens are nutritious for him.  As many times as we call him out of the muck, he follows his senses right back in.  Gross, but true.

We need to take a step back from our busy professional lives.  We need to take the time to reflect on our choices for this one beautiful life. 

My goal is to listen, 

To take my time eating 

and 

Truly enjoy my meal.

Season of NE : : September week 3

{ Daily pictures, outside. 

Not only to help encourage my camera use, but also to document our beautifully, diverse seasons here in New England.  These pictures will come in a wide variety of aspects, with the only stipulation of shooting outdoors, posted weekly. }

9/17:  The light of day is soon to be the same length as the darkness at night.  The Autumn Equinox is soon to arise, and i'll sit on my porch and watch it come.

9/18:  We needed this rain.  Our land......him and I.  We needed a night off.

9/19:  A hard frost is due to hit tomorrow night.  I'll pull them, wash them, dry them and store them for the season ahead.

9/20:  The air is cold and pure before the sun rises over the crest to the east of our home.  The ground is wet with the first rich, hard frost.  This morning is refreshing.  This day will be good.

9/21:  Oh this color, this awesome autumn day.

9/22:  I arrived early, before the rush and alone with my thoughts and thankfulness.  I needed that peace, that break from society.  I needed those apples.

9/23:  Hub's cut, split and "stacked" this pile.  Getting joy out of the same things in life.....Fitting into a groove and rhythm so perfectly.  To the moon and back, my love.