Just as we are

Thank you all so much for your kind words and heartfelt stories of similar experiences.  I was questioning whether or not to post such a personal story, but really, it took such a weight off me just getting the words out on paper.  That honesty stuff is refreshing!  I need to let myself write more about the not so positive times, which will in turn help me to cherish the great times.

So to follow up, here is a post of great randomness. 

Love and Positivity with life, right now.

Just as we are.

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Up first: Homemade dolls made for our nieces and nephew as they welcomed the new twins into their home.

The first doll i made still sits in my craft room, basically a demo and trial run. 

The next three were made in one weekend with the help of my mom!  From left to right:

Pinkalicious, Goldie & miss no-name.

London, Keira & Isabel named them and have already requested "friends" for their birthdays :)

And let me tell you, stringing and stitching yarn hair for hours on end requires a nice glass of red to accompany the operation.

For mister Jack-  a monster of sorts.  Whose eye fell off within an hour of playing. 

That may require a re-design.

With a pointy tail :)

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Up second: Some moments captured over that past few months that make me smile.

Charlie & mama jaunts in the woods while boiling.

 Valentine's Day Tulips <3

Heavy February snow storms leaving blankets of fluffy snow.

The "please drop some veggies on the floor" stare as i make our nightly salads.

Early morning sunrises that make getting up early so worth it.

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We’re headed to VT this weekend to celebrate Easter with my parents. 

I can’t wait to get back on Jerusalem road. 

Happy Weekend!

Until the day

Sometimes it sucks
Sometimes its hard.
Sometimes i don't want to hear the same old story about it happening when its supposed to.

I have a yearning stronger than anything to be a mother.  To have a child to love and Cherish.  A child to bring so much joy, love and challenges into our home.

We can't get pregnant (yet).  Last month, my period was late- really late.  I have a 28-29 day cycle every.single.month, so six days late?  That's never happened.  I kept telling myself that it was due to my hormone fluctuations while they balance out the medicines.  But really?  I prayed and hoped and wished with everything i had, that the second line would appear on the pregnancy test.  I know i am not quite balanced out yet and i know i just need to be patient and let my body get there, but Jesus this sucks.  I have been waiting 25 years to be mother (yes, since i was three- that's all i said i wanted to be when i grew up).

I have an amazing husband, who i know will be an amazing father one day.  We have a beautiful home on a lovely piece of land.  We have a bedroom upstairs, which has been unfurnished for two years now,
waiting...

I have an empty womb waiting and aching.

Sometimes it doesn't seem fair.  Sometimes life throws you curve balls, just when you think you're plans are perfect.  My dad has always told me, "If you want god to laugh, tell him your plans," and that couldn't be more true (and more shitty).  I love to plan and dream, but this is forcing me to be less of a planner and more of a dreamer.  Which is probably a good thing.

"When the time is right, you'll get pregnant."
"Everything happens for a reason, just hang in there."
"Enjoy your time together as a married couple before you have kids, because everything will change."

Blah. Fucking. Blah.

Yes, i truly do believe all of that, honestly, deep down.  But i also think that sometimes it totally sucks.  I am, 99% of the time, a positive thinker and doer.  I love my life and am so happy with everything.  Yet it feels that something is missing, someone is missing in our family.

Everyone around me either has a baby, is pregnant with their first, or is pregnant with their second.  I'm trying so hard to be strong.  Because truly I'm so very happy for them.

But I'm also so jealous.

Yes, i know that i need to be healthy before I'm supporting another life inside me.  I know that it was probably a blessing that we were not pregnant last month because of that.  But i also need to let myself feel sad about it.  Because that is how i really feel.  Right now.

Two wonderful, beautiful, good to the core ladies I'm close with are due in the beginning of November.  Two ladies i love so.  I can't wait to meet their new children, their second children.  Yet i can't stop myself from thinking and knowing that that is the date i would have been due if i was pregnant last month.  Our baby would have had two second cousins the same exact age.  How cool.

I need to move on and stop thinking about that.  I need to more forward and get myself balanced.  I need to embrace all the awesome babies and children in my life, right now, and soak them in. Sometimes life takes a new and unimagined course.  Sometimes in life, you get dealt some shitty, unexpected cards.

But sometimes life will surprise you.  And when the next person says, "Well you guys have been married for almost two years now, when are the kids coming?"  I'll smile, like i always do, and say, "when the time is right.....  Oh, and mind your own fucking business." ever so nicely.

And today?  Today i'm allowing myself to feel sad.  Then I'll move on and forward.  I'll allow myself to dream and sew beautiful things for our future child.  Because that just feels good.  I'll keep the treasures tucked away in a baby box until that magical day when the second line appears.

Until the day when we are in disbelief and realize everything worked out just as it should.

Lately

 We've been busy around these parts with the temperatures rising and the sap running.  Almost up to 200 gallons of syrup so far!

Busy with new babies entering our family, welcoming them with photo sessions and celebrations.

Busy with my photography business growing and expanding.  I am so in Love with this.

Busy with monitoring my health, while watching my hair fall out by the masses!  (Totally not a good thing,  my doctor says it will stop once they balance out my hormone pills).  Until then-  I'm pulling the "comb over"  OK not really a comb over, but it's rather horrifying.  But really, i am feeling good.  I am so thankful my thyroid wasn't cancerous and the surgery was smooth sailing.

Busy with buying new couches.  Beautiful chocolate brown ones. 

Hubs (calling me at work):  ummm huni-  the new couches just flew out of the dump trailer.  On the interstate.  Going 60 MPH.

Me: ...........pause........... Really??!!!  You didn't strap them down?

Hubs: No, i didn't have my straps with me because of the sap tank in the back of my truck.  The couches were tight when i loaded them, so i didn't think they would go anywhere.

Me: ....pause......Really????  Well you better get off the highway and take the back roads the rest of the way.

An hour later we meet at home.  One couch is in three pieces.  The other one just has some road rash, as hubs so sweetly puts it.  I take a utility knife and cut out some of the fabric on the one that is headed directly to the dump, to patch our road rashed couch.  Sigh.

We looked at each other and laughed.  Life is full of surprises and lessons.  We ditched our "stay in on a Friday night" plans and headed out.

Material things like these couches we have been waiting so long for?  They really don't mean a lot.

What means a lot is us.  Our family and our joy.

Six boils in, and finally turning to a medium amber.  What a great season this is shaping up to be!

Charlie loves tractors.  He always hops on our tractor to go for a scoot with Hubs and loves four wheeler rides.  Yes, you can tell we have no children, he's our kid :)

My big brother and his wife welcomed two new beautiful babies on February 21st.  They now are a lively family of eight!

Rex & Harper <3

Hubs and i made our first batch of maple candies last weekend, they almost flopped, but tasted great.  We're going to work on our technique this weekend, along with maple cream! 

We also have scouted out a trailer that will be suitable to build a chicken coop on.  Soon we'll be ordering 6-8 baby chicks and another pig to start out 2013!

~Have a great weekend friends~