Until the day

Sometimes it sucks
Sometimes its hard.
Sometimes i don't want to hear the same old story about it happening when its supposed to.

I have a yearning stronger than anything to be a mother.  To have a child to love and Cherish.  A child to bring so much joy, love and challenges into our home.

We can't get pregnant (yet).  Last month, my period was late- really late.  I have a 28-29 day cycle every.single.month, so six days late?  That's never happened.  I kept telling myself that it was due to my hormone fluctuations while they balance out the medicines.  But really?  I prayed and hoped and wished with everything i had, that the second line would appear on the pregnancy test.  I know i am not quite balanced out yet and i know i just need to be patient and let my body get there, but Jesus this sucks.  I have been waiting 25 years to be mother (yes, since i was three- that's all i said i wanted to be when i grew up).

I have an amazing husband, who i know will be an amazing father one day.  We have a beautiful home on a lovely piece of land.  We have a bedroom upstairs, which has been unfurnished for two years now,
waiting...

I have an empty womb waiting and aching.

Sometimes it doesn't seem fair.  Sometimes life throws you curve balls, just when you think you're plans are perfect.  My dad has always told me, "If you want god to laugh, tell him your plans," and that couldn't be more true (and more shitty).  I love to plan and dream, but this is forcing me to be less of a planner and more of a dreamer.  Which is probably a good thing.

"When the time is right, you'll get pregnant."
"Everything happens for a reason, just hang in there."
"Enjoy your time together as a married couple before you have kids, because everything will change."

Blah. Fucking. Blah.

Yes, i truly do believe all of that, honestly, deep down.  But i also think that sometimes it totally sucks.  I am, 99% of the time, a positive thinker and doer.  I love my life and am so happy with everything.  Yet it feels that something is missing, someone is missing in our family.

Everyone around me either has a baby, is pregnant with their first, or is pregnant with their second.  I'm trying so hard to be strong.  Because truly I'm so very happy for them.

But I'm also so jealous.

Yes, i know that i need to be healthy before I'm supporting another life inside me.  I know that it was probably a blessing that we were not pregnant last month because of that.  But i also need to let myself feel sad about it.  Because that is how i really feel.  Right now.

Two wonderful, beautiful, good to the core ladies I'm close with are due in the beginning of November.  Two ladies i love so.  I can't wait to meet their new children, their second children.  Yet i can't stop myself from thinking and knowing that that is the date i would have been due if i was pregnant last month.  Our baby would have had two second cousins the same exact age.  How cool.

I need to move on and stop thinking about that.  I need to more forward and get myself balanced.  I need to embrace all the awesome babies and children in my life, right now, and soak them in. Sometimes life takes a new and unimagined course.  Sometimes in life, you get dealt some shitty, unexpected cards.

But sometimes life will surprise you.  And when the next person says, "Well you guys have been married for almost two years now, when are the kids coming?"  I'll smile, like i always do, and say, "when the time is right.....  Oh, and mind your own fucking business." ever so nicely.

And today?  Today i'm allowing myself to feel sad.  Then I'll move on and forward.  I'll allow myself to dream and sew beautiful things for our future child.  Because that just feels good.  I'll keep the treasures tucked away in a baby box until that magical day when the second line appears.

Until the day when we are in disbelief and realize everything worked out just as it should.