Changes, Joy and fullness

Ear tubes were put in, and suddenly we didn't have to worry anymore.

A happy baby evaded our home, joy took over worry and fear.

I wrote this on IG two weeks ago:

For the first time in a year I'm not connected to my pump during the day. We're weaning off the exclusive pumping, I'm down to a morning and night session, thinking I'll drop the night one soon. It feels freeing and emotional. I know everyone has their own story and different experience with breastfeeding. Mine was hard in the beginning. His latch was never great. My supply was just enough. But once we started ep, he became a different baby. More content, happy and full. It's such a hard thing to keep up with producing for over a year. And, I feel good saying that I'm pretty damn proud of myself for it.

And then last week, i had my very last pump sesh.  After hours and days and weeks and months and full year connected to my pump, it was retired to the closet.   Close to 7200 ounces later, we're done with babyhood.

Halloween came, we carved a pumpkin, and watched Liam explore the textures of the slimy inside.  We all giggled in delight.

He happily wore his dino costume, looking cuter than ever.

We visited with both of my grandmothers - his great.  They have so much love for him, it warms my heart.  They have so much love for me.

I'm enjoying getting more time to pull out my macro lens and shoot some food.  I'm enjoying getting back into shape.

I'm incredibly grateful for this life we live.  With so much sadness and terror around the world, my heart  is filled with so much Thankfulness for our little family, our safe home, our warm wood stove, our fresh food and extremly cozy beds.  I don't take it for granted.  Our sheltered life.

I'm so grateful for my hubby, who continues to flow steady with my fluctuating hormones.  That darn thyroid is working on balancing out again after finishing breastfeeding.  It's hard on our marriage when it's out of whack.  We're getting there though.  I've been feeling happy again this last week, and it shows in our easier stride.  

This song has been my background music lately:

now and then someone special comes along now and then someone brings your life a sonf now it's love im hearing in the morning breeze you're everything i wanted love to be

and i'll love you til the closing of our days and i'll need you through the valleys and the shadows and the highways and we'll put our feet upon the path of life and its' byways

and in the morning when i wake up by your side in the evenings as we stand against the tides every hour that you're with me, i can see you're everything i wanted love to be

Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?

                                       -Mary Oliver

No ma'am.  I'm wading in, up to my chest, full of our beautiful life.

Replenish : Vermont

We drove into the evening, leaving blue sky's for dark clouds.  We navigated the twists and turns of the mountain road i know so well.  The rain turning to snow as we crested the top of the pass.  Liam's faint I'm-sick-of-this-car seat whimpers filled the car.  We arrived in the dark to the warmth of my parents home, tucked tightly into the mountains.  We ate dinner and baked two pies.

A weekend retreat in Vermont.

She knows this kitchen well.  From slinging babies, to active school kids, to teenagers filling the house with so.much.noise.  She moves about the kitchen with routine and rhythm.  The heart of her house.

She always says she loves to come to my house to cook and bake in my kitchen.  But this kitchen, with cabinets and counter tops that have always been on the replace list, it's just perfect how it sits.  To me, it's her and Vermont all in one.

Liam woke on Saturday at his usual six o'clock hour.  I quietly gave him a bottle, hoping for him to drift back into slumber, but he was too eager to greet the day.  I smiled, kissed him, scooped him up and brought him into my mom's bed.  She took over the loving, as i slipped back into a quiet room by myself.  I took an hour to read and doze.

As the sunlight filled my room, i realized that the snow i met the night before continued into the dawn.  Soft, steady flakes filled the sky and suddenly, the holiday season filled my thoughts.  After breakfast we bundled up and took Liam for a walk down to Grandma Linda's to say hi.  

Upon waking from his nap, we piled in the car and drove over muddy roads to the Library where my mom works.  It was Soup & Pie Sale day, a pretty perfect day to visit. 

I wonder if everyone's hometown does this to them, or if it's just me.  Coming home feels like such a retreat from my life.  From my busy schedule i long to slow down.  From fast cars and daycare drop off's and grocery shopping.  To long walks, to exhaling deeply, to joy and solitude.

I long for Vermont, and am working on finding it more in my everyday.

I'm working on slowing down & finding more solid ground where we live.  I don't want a retreat from my life.  I don't want to feel that way.  My life is a beautiful mess most of the time, a mess that i love and cherish.  There is beauty and light in even the darkest of corners.  I'm looking to find it more often.

On sunday, as the sun lifted the blanket of fog off the mountain tops, our early riser found his grandparents again, while i got to snuggle my love for a few hours, who arrived late Saturday night.  

I walked the dirt road, taking in the mountains, the sky, the leafless trees.  I smiled as wood smoke filled my breath and sunlight stung my eyes.  

This.

Today, i'm sitting in my cozy house, feeling grateful and full, with Vermont.