And it's called:
Miscarriage.
It totally sucked.
Let me back up.
Jason and i finally got the clear to start our family in mid September. After a month of trying, we were so excited to find out that we were pregnant! I was totally not expecting to get pregnant the first month we tried. Especially after all i have read up on women conceiving with Grave's Disease. I was totally shocked, and so, so excited.
After all of this time waiting to begin our family, it was finally happening. It almost felt surreal.
As a few of you know from this post, I was so ready and couldn't wait to start our family and have a baby. I got a positive pregnancy test a few days before my missed period. Jason and i began plans for the baby's room, our finances while i was on maternity leave, how we would tell our families, and thinking about what kind of parents we'd be.
He was so excited, and i loved that.
I ordered a few books and began reading about pregnancy. I also updated myself with information about being pregnant and lacking a thyroid. I called my doctor's office and made an appointment with a midwife for around 10 weeks.
I began drinking more water than i ever have before (which is a really good habit to keep). I began eating a little differently, but not much. I am a very healthy eater (for the most part), but i had to work on actually eating breakfast every day. I just felt so happy and at peace.
I was amazed with how fast your body changes when a baby is growing. My stomach was hard (and bloated) almost immediately. I had all of the typical early pregnancy symptoms minus the morning sickness, which may have come.
I was only pregnant for six weeks. I began spotting, then bleeding. We went in for an ultrasound and i remember the nurse writing down; "checking for viability of pregnancy". That made my heart sink.
I remember looking on the screen, feeling excited but scared, hoping for a tiny kidney bean to appear.
The doctor was so kind. She gently said that she saw the gestational sac, but no embryo. It didn't hit me until she left the room. I began getting teary eyed and Jason stayed strong and held me. We had to go do blood work to check my HGC levels to see if i truly was miscarrying. She said that i was so early that it was hard to tell by just the ultrasound alone.
She called me on my way to work the following morning. My number was low, very low for six weeks. I couldn't catch my breath.
Throughout the next four days, i lost the baby. I have never experienced something so physically and emotionally draining. My parents came over on Friday night. They didn't know we were expecting yet, so it was quite the surprise to them. We planned on telling both of our parents at Thanksgiving, so all of the future grandparents would be together. It was so nice having them there to take care of us. My mom cooked while my dad cleaned, it was wonderful. Jason and i went to Starbucks for breakfast on Sunday morning, then we went and bought a puzzle to work on. I needed a calming distraction.
I took out the pregnancy journal i started and wrote down our story. I cried some more and put the book away for next time.
When the sun rose on Tuesday morning, i felt like i could really see it again. We have so many blessings and I'm so thankful that we were actually able to conceive. It gives us hope and i really feel so good about our future. After all the months of worrying that we wouldn't be able to have a baby, i now know that it is possible. It just wasn't the right time.
I am doing remarkably well. I never would have thought that i would have a miscarriage, but you know what? I did and it hurt and it opened our hearts to how fragile life is.
When the time comes again, we'll open our hearts to another life.
We move forward and count our blessings.