Until the day

Sometimes it sucks
Sometimes its hard.
Sometimes i don't want to hear the same old story about it happening when its supposed to.

I have a yearning stronger than anything to be a mother.  To have a child to love and Cherish.  A child to bring so much joy, love and challenges into our home.

We can't get pregnant (yet).  Last month, my period was late- really late.  I have a 28-29 day cycle every.single.month, so six days late?  That's never happened.  I kept telling myself that it was due to my hormone fluctuations while they balance out the medicines.  But really?  I prayed and hoped and wished with everything i had, that the second line would appear on the pregnancy test.  I know i am not quite balanced out yet and i know i just need to be patient and let my body get there, but Jesus this sucks.  I have been waiting 25 years to be mother (yes, since i was three- that's all i said i wanted to be when i grew up).

I have an amazing husband, who i know will be an amazing father one day.  We have a beautiful home on a lovely piece of land.  We have a bedroom upstairs, which has been unfurnished for two years now,
waiting...

I have an empty womb waiting and aching.

Sometimes it doesn't seem fair.  Sometimes life throws you curve balls, just when you think you're plans are perfect.  My dad has always told me, "If you want god to laugh, tell him your plans," and that couldn't be more true (and more shitty).  I love to plan and dream, but this is forcing me to be less of a planner and more of a dreamer.  Which is probably a good thing.

"When the time is right, you'll get pregnant."
"Everything happens for a reason, just hang in there."
"Enjoy your time together as a married couple before you have kids, because everything will change."

Blah. Fucking. Blah.

Yes, i truly do believe all of that, honestly, deep down.  But i also think that sometimes it totally sucks.  I am, 99% of the time, a positive thinker and doer.  I love my life and am so happy with everything.  Yet it feels that something is missing, someone is missing in our family.

Everyone around me either has a baby, is pregnant with their first, or is pregnant with their second.  I'm trying so hard to be strong.  Because truly I'm so very happy for them.

But I'm also so jealous.

Yes, i know that i need to be healthy before I'm supporting another life inside me.  I know that it was probably a blessing that we were not pregnant last month because of that.  But i also need to let myself feel sad about it.  Because that is how i really feel.  Right now.

Two wonderful, beautiful, good to the core ladies I'm close with are due in the beginning of November.  Two ladies i love so.  I can't wait to meet their new children, their second children.  Yet i can't stop myself from thinking and knowing that that is the date i would have been due if i was pregnant last month.  Our baby would have had two second cousins the same exact age.  How cool.

I need to move on and stop thinking about that.  I need to more forward and get myself balanced.  I need to embrace all the awesome babies and children in my life, right now, and soak them in. Sometimes life takes a new and unimagined course.  Sometimes in life, you get dealt some shitty, unexpected cards.

But sometimes life will surprise you.  And when the next person says, "Well you guys have been married for almost two years now, when are the kids coming?"  I'll smile, like i always do, and say, "when the time is right.....  Oh, and mind your own fucking business." ever so nicely.

And today?  Today i'm allowing myself to feel sad.  Then I'll move on and forward.  I'll allow myself to dream and sew beautiful things for our future child.  Because that just feels good.  I'll keep the treasures tucked away in a baby box until that magical day when the second line appears.

Until the day when we are in disbelief and realize everything worked out just as it should.

Lately

 We've been busy around these parts with the temperatures rising and the sap running.  Almost up to 200 gallons of syrup so far!

Busy with new babies entering our family, welcoming them with photo sessions and celebrations.

Busy with my photography business growing and expanding.  I am so in Love with this.

Busy with monitoring my health, while watching my hair fall out by the masses!  (Totally not a good thing,  my doctor says it will stop once they balance out my hormone pills).  Until then-  I'm pulling the "comb over"  OK not really a comb over, but it's rather horrifying.  But really, i am feeling good.  I am so thankful my thyroid wasn't cancerous and the surgery was smooth sailing.

Busy with buying new couches.  Beautiful chocolate brown ones. 

Hubs (calling me at work):  ummm huni-  the new couches just flew out of the dump trailer.  On the interstate.  Going 60 MPH.

Me: ...........pause........... Really??!!!  You didn't strap them down?

Hubs: No, i didn't have my straps with me because of the sap tank in the back of my truck.  The couches were tight when i loaded them, so i didn't think they would go anywhere.

Me: ....pause......Really????  Well you better get off the highway and take the back roads the rest of the way.

An hour later we meet at home.  One couch is in three pieces.  The other one just has some road rash, as hubs so sweetly puts it.  I take a utility knife and cut out some of the fabric on the one that is headed directly to the dump, to patch our road rashed couch.  Sigh.

We looked at each other and laughed.  Life is full of surprises and lessons.  We ditched our "stay in on a Friday night" plans and headed out.

Material things like these couches we have been waiting so long for?  They really don't mean a lot.

What means a lot is us.  Our family and our joy.

Six boils in, and finally turning to a medium amber.  What a great season this is shaping up to be!

Charlie loves tractors.  He always hops on our tractor to go for a scoot with Hubs and loves four wheeler rides.  Yes, you can tell we have no children, he's our kid :)

My big brother and his wife welcomed two new beautiful babies on February 21st.  They now are a lively family of eight!

Rex & Harper <3

Hubs and i made our first batch of maple candies last weekend, they almost flopped, but tasted great.  We're going to work on our technique this weekend, along with maple cream! 

We also have scouted out a trailer that will be suitable to build a chicken coop on.  Soon we'll be ordering 6-8 baby chicks and another pig to start out 2013!

~Have a great weekend friends~



This Moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. 

Adapted from Soulemama

 

Preparations for Sugaring

Its almost time to tap and boil.  Almost time to retreat back to the sugar house for days on end.  Almost time to taste that sweet, fresh sugar once again.

Every year there are lines that come down during the course of the seasons, needing repairs and replacements.  There are daily trips to the local hardware store to get supplies.  There is that yearly trip to Bascoms to sell the last of the previous year's syrup wholesale and pick up a few special tools or taps along the way.

There are walks along the lines to check for leaks (or should i say four wheeler rides if your my husband and love nothing more than a good engine!)

And always, there is expansion.  This year's expansion is huge.  When the town reconstructed Bean Hill Road this past summer, Hubs and his sugar partner, John, had the town place a pipe under the road to run our tubing through, thus allowing us to put another 200 taps on vacuum.  That will bring us up to just under 2000 taps.  Not the biggest production, but just right for us.  Hubs spent days in the woods surveying the new piece of land, getting the elevations marked and ready to hang up the new blue main line.

This is exciting stuff, i tell you.  This year i may try my hand at making maple cream or maple candies.  I just haven't had the urge to dive into them in years past.  I've read my recipes over and over.  I've heard that the temperature and humidity needs to be just right to make maple cream.  I know that to make the candies, it needs to boil to a specific temperature, if you go over, they flop. 

Ok- I'm not sure how much i know, other than i need to put the old wives tales behind me and give it a go.

Such is life.  I learn from experience.  I thrive on a challenge.

And i do so love the preparations for the season ahead.

Classics

I believe that if there was ever a book or series to read to the young, it would be these:  Little Women, Little House on the Prairie and Anne of Green Gables.

How does one instill the solid values of the past into the fast pace of today, into the right now?

When my world is going too fast, when i am feeling stressed, i find myself sitting down and read, or watch, these three classics.  Sure, there are obviously huge and giant leaps we have made for the good, and the better, but are they all really that much better?  Medicine has gained leaps and bounds on helping the sick and finding cures everyday.  Women have equal rights, homosexuals can marry their loves without hesitation, and we can raise our children with the mindset that they can conquer the world, if their hearts desire.

My point is to not look at the big, wonderful steps we have taken in the past century, but to look at what may have been pushed aside while progressing forward.  To dig in and see what values and lifestyles have been forgotten.  Oh yes, i was that women, that lady with drive to make it big in a mostly male profession.  I was going to work long, hard hours, working my way up and being as successful as i could.  Going into college i believed that if i could just make a lot of money in life, the rest would follow.  Boy was i wrong. 

I have proven to myself, and my loved ones, that i am capable and can do a terrific job.  I am a construction estimator in a very large company.  95% of my colleagues are men, they respect my decisions and drive.  I work my tail off, i make great money, i am successful and see myself moving up in the company.  There are days that i love my job.  I love the people i work with.  I love the numbers racing around in my head.  I thrive on the stress of the construction industry.   Yet recently, more days than not, i am thinking of this other lifestyle.  This place where my drive and energy is spent at home, with my love, owning a farm and raising our future children. 

As we grow, we change and evolve.  We see what is most important in life and enjoy simple pleasures.  I don't need fancy vacations or big expensive jewelry plastered all over me.  What i need is my husband by my side and our home to be a safe and happy one.  What i am finding to be a hard reality, is that a typical American household cannot make it on one income.  Our economy is not set up that way anymore, unless one spouse makes a very good salary.  My husband and I together live very comfortably.  But if i were to stay home with our kids, I'm not sure we could even make ends meat.

Yet i don't think i am one to just be home with our kids, and not do anything else.  I am in love with photography, and am currently getting a lot of exposure around our community.  I want to go forward with that, as i will, and get to the point where that will be my profession. 

For right now, i am creating this old fashioned lifestyle at home.  I am trying to leave my work at the office, and concentrate on our family, at home. 

What i do love about these classics are the strong and imaginative women that play the lead roles.  Anne is fierce with desire, intelligent and witty.  She knows to always follow her heart, and to not be easily persuaded by others.  Joe is strong and cheerful.  She pushed her way forward and made her name standout in a time when women were not writers.  And Laura, Laura is determined, inquisitive and passionate about her family and profession.  I enjoy that they all overcame in a time when women did not have equal rights.  I love that they all followed their hearts home, while always appreciating the beauty of a day, the heart and values of a family and the passion of their work.  All three, writers and dreamers. 

We were over to my husband's grandparent's for breakfast last Sunday.  One point that stuck out in our conversation was, "do not farm your children out, raise them at home, keep them close when they are young, and teach them values and love." 

Precisely.

What we'll have to learn, when we become parents, is how to do this with only one parent home part time.  I don't want my children to wake up every morning in a hurry to get out the door.  I want to let them have the time to eat a good homemade breakfast, to explore our woods and fields.  To let them have the space and time to use their imaginations to the fullest.  I want to inspire them and make sure they feel safe and loved at home.  I want them to have good values and morals.  I want to hear all of their ideas and passions. I want let them know that there is not one way or one path that they have to follow, but many. 

I want to raise my children.

When i get nervous thinking about the future, i just have to take a deep breath, and realize that we will be there for our children.  Everything will work out as it is supposed to, and we will be focused on creating these simple, special values within them. 

If they are in another person's care all day, we will bring them home, make dinner together from scratch (sometimes), bake some bread in our cook stove and finally sit down to read Little House on the Prairie, Anne of Green Gables and Little Women.  We will show them that this world has so many options and paths, but to always follow their hearts, to appreciate the beauty of a summers day, and an evening autumn walk in the fields.  We will show them that the most important things in life are to be happy, loved and safe.  We will encourage their imaginations to run wild, and to let them mature on their own clock, at their own pace. 

We will love them, and show them what love is. 

And that, i believe, is all they will need to be strong and happy. 

That, i believe, will make our lives rich.

We Drove to the Mountains

We drove to the mountains, just him and I,

Cherishing our time alone.

We drove up through the Notch and reflected on the seasons beauty.

We bumped up and down, around a bend, in that beat up old truck.

We acted as if we were dating again, enjoying eachothers company,

while acting like kids.

We crossed the state line into Vermont,

and i felt my heart explode.

We held hands and told tales from our absense of eachother,

catching up and laughing as the sun was setting.

We took in the beauty of this gorgeous place we call home. 

The colors changing from greens to oranges, reds and magnificent yellows.

We had dinner on the way home, still soaking in the mountainous views.

It was late September when we finally caught our breath.

It was Late September when our schedules finally meshed.

It was late September when we were able to reconnect.

He drove us home, in that rusty old work truck, bouncing our way down the road.

My head on his shoulder, the radio never turned on.

The sounds of my sleepy breath echoing our peace.

We drove to the mountains,

Just my husband and I.

Cherising our Love.

Tomato Sauce : : Harvest

Disclaimer: This post was started like three weeks ago, so all the writing and photos below are from that time frame!  My thyroid has been removed, i am finally on the recovery side of this and am feeling SO much better!  Thanks for all the thoughts and well wishes during this time.  I am now feeling inspired again to write some blog posts up, so stay tuned, I'm back!!!

Anyways, onto the Tomato Sauce::

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My days at home have been flowing seamlessly from one to the next, without much thought or notice.  I have been waking up early, eager to get to my reading/crafting/writing/cooking or baking.  I have been eating breakfast early, which is unusual to usual routine.  I try to stay busy all morning, have my lunch around 1pm, and then rest for a few hours before i start dinner.  It's such a wonderful schedule.  We all know, and I'm not going to preach, that Americans work too hard, too long.  We should all strive to get into the groove of working 6-7 hours a day.  It is lovely.

Yesterday i babysat our good friend's four month old for the morning, cherishing her babyhood, while i held her during her nap, instead of putting her down.  Then i went to visit my friend Jackie, who on Wednesday's watches her nieces, and brings her own little along.  So i would say it was quite the baby filled day.  For anyone that knows me well, they will know how much i adore children and babies.  It was a fun, but full day, which i am not used to right now, therefore hubs and i fell asleep around 8:00 last night. 

 I am loving these days of rest and peace.  Today I stayed home.  I dug the tomatoes out of the freezer, waiting for a day like this.  At harvest time, i simply blanched and peeled the tomatoes, so they would be ready to go when i had the time to make my sauce. 

: :  First i laid the bags on the counter to thaw out for a few hours.  I also took out a few bags of green peppers to mix in the sauce.

: :  Then i waited.  And waited. 

And

Waited some more.

Then it was dinnertime, and no sauce was to be made that day. 

*note to self: next year, take the tomatoes out of the freezer the day before you plan to cook. (ahem).

Fast forward to Saturday (two days later)

: : Once the tomatoes were properly thawed out, i began my procedure.  First i chopped up my green peppers and 2 onions.  I placed them in the pots with some minced garlic and a few tablespoons butter to saute them for a few minutes.  Once the onions were soft and almost see-through, i started to add my bags of tomatoes.

: :  This year, since i am not making the sauce with freshly picked tomatoes, i ended up just dumping the whole tomatoes right in the pot without cutting up.  They were so soft that i figured they would break apart while they simmered.

: :  Last year, i did not add tomato paste, which i should have.  Every time we used a jar of sauce over the winter, i had to add a little 5oz can of paste to thicken it up.  So this year, i used 3 cans of tomato paste, 18oz each.  I bought organic paste, to ensure this sauce would still remain without any trace of chemicals.

: :  Then came the spices:  Rosemary, garlic powder, Italian seasoning, salt and sugar.  I really just put in the amounts that i thought were right, so i don't have exact measurements here.

: :  Once i mixed the paste in, i brought the pots to a boil, stirring consistently.  When they began to thicken up, i put the burners on low, and let simmer for 3.5 to 4 hours.

: :  The last step, before putting my jars in the pressure canner, is to add a dash of lemon juice.  It is my understanding that homegrown tomatoes are high enough in their acid content, but i add in a bit of lemon juice, just to be sure.

My Yields:  

5 Gallon Sized bags of peeled garden tomatoes

2 quart sized bags of sliced green peppers

2 large onions

3 18 oz. cans of Tomato Paste

Seasonings

= 1 Quart, 15 pints and 1 pint not quite full to the top!

Now I'll see how long this sauce lasts, and edit next year to make sure i bag enough tomatoes during harvest season.  I must say that i really enjoyed making the sauce a few months after the rush of the canning had been done.  The tomatoes, that i didn't chop at all, came apart beautifully as they cooked down.  We used our first jar of sauce on a homemade pizza one night, and a pasta dish the next.  It was just the right consistency, which made all the difference! 

Now looking forward to tasting this delicious sauce all winter long.