Ramblings

I was on my usual drive home from work on Friday night, thinking about my week and what will be on my list next week, what we'll have for dinner, what sessions i have coming up, what i need to get done for Christmas and oh crap, my gas light is on…again…..i suddenly realized how full my life is.

I am crazy busy right now, but mostly busy with good stuff, full stuff.  Five years ago i longed to be exactly where i am today.  To be happily married, have a good job and a beautiful, cozy home.  To have a grown up life.  And now I'm pursuing this photography gig, and loving every second of it.  The families and babies and children i get to meet, it brings me so much joy, but also really digs into a creative outlet for me.

Sometimes i fear that i won't ever be able to do it full time.  That thought is now pushed aside and replaced with drive and passion.  The more light i put forth, the bigger my business will grow.  It's a tricky thing when your starting a business, wanting to say yes to every session, but also realizing that you still work 45 hours a week and need time to just be and do.

Then i think about adding a child into this mix of work and photography and suddenly my gas light is on again.  I think about the weekends i spend doing sessions and how i will not want to be away from my child on the weekends, if I've been at work all week.  So what's the point of building this business now, if I'm just going to put it on the back burner when we have a kid?  Then i take a breath and remember that everything works out just as it should.  For real.

We ventured out to our favorite little dinner spot last night to decompress.  The Italian Farmhouse is just 20 minutes north of our house.  The barn was lit with Christmas lights and candles in the windows with holiday music playing.  I felt so happy, laughing with my husband through easy conversation as we enjoyed the cozy winter farmhouse atmosphere with delicious wine and food.  

(This photo just cracks me up.  Asking him to pose for me)

I had four photo sessions today.  It was busy and fun and exactly what i wanted to be doing.  When i came home, i dropped my things, grabbed my pup and escaped to the woods.  Gone for an hour in the forest was just what i needed.

I've realized that boundaries and dreams are gracefully balanced on each other. 

And sometimes to reach those dreams, you have to push your boundaries, let go of fear and let your gas light shine.

Tomorrow is a me day, and I'm so looking forward to it.

Our Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving, we are grateful for our health.

For our grandparents that spent the day with us.

For our parents and their continuous support and love.

For the bounty of fresh, homemade goodness that filled our bellies.

For the crisp winter air that blows through, reminding us that another season is upon us.

For the movies we watch Thanksgiving night, that never took a smile off my grandma's face.

For traditions that continue to grow and the beginnings of new ones.

And for our love, 

which i am forever grateful.

There's an elephant in the room

And it's called:

Miscarriage.

It totally sucked.

Let me back up.  

Jason and i finally got the clear to start our family in mid September.  After a month of trying, we were so excited to find out that we were pregnant!  I was totally not expecting to get pregnant the first month we tried.  Especially after all i have read up on women conceiving with Grave's Disease.  I was totally shocked, and so, so excited.

After all of this time waiting to begin our family, it was finally happening.  It almost felt surreal.

As a few of you know from this post, I was so ready and couldn't wait to start our family and have a baby.  I got a positive pregnancy test a few days before my missed period.  Jason and i began plans for the baby's room, our finances while i was on maternity leave, how we would tell our families, and thinking about what kind of parents we'd be.

He was so excited, and i loved that.

I ordered a few books and began reading about pregnancy.  I also updated myself with information about being pregnant and lacking a thyroid.  I called my doctor's office and made an appointment with a midwife for around 10 weeks.

I began drinking more water than i ever have before (which is a really good habit to keep).  I began eating a little differently, but not much.  I am a very healthy eater (for the most part), but i had to work on actually eating breakfast every day.  I just felt so happy and at peace.

I was amazed with how fast your body changes when a baby is growing.  My stomach was hard (and bloated) almost immediately.  I had all of the typical early pregnancy symptoms minus the morning sickness, which may have come.

I was only pregnant for six weeks.  I began spotting, then bleeding.  We went in for an ultrasound and i remember the nurse writing down; "checking for viability of pregnancy".  That made my heart sink.

I remember looking on the screen, feeling excited but scared, hoping for a tiny kidney bean to appear.  

The doctor was so kind.  She gently said that she saw the gestational sac, but no embryo.  It didn't hit me until she left the room.  I began getting teary eyed and Jason stayed strong and held me.  We had to go do blood work to check my HGC levels to see if i truly was miscarrying.  She said that i was so early that it was hard to tell by just the ultrasound alone.  

She called me on my way to work the following morning.  My number was low, very low for six weeks.  I couldn't catch my breath.  

Throughout the next four days, i lost the baby.  I have never experienced something so physically and emotionally draining.  My parents came over on Friday night.  They didn't know we were expecting yet, so it was quite the surprise to them.  We planned on telling both of our parents at Thanksgiving, so all of the future grandparents would be together.  It was so nice having them there to take care of us.  My mom cooked while my dad cleaned, it was wonderful.  Jason and i went to Starbucks for breakfast on Sunday morning, then we went and bought a puzzle to work on.  I needed a calming distraction.

I took out the pregnancy journal i started and wrote down our story.  I cried some more and put the book away for next time.

When the sun rose on Tuesday morning, i felt like i could really see it again.  We have so many blessings and I'm so thankful that we were actually able to conceive.  It gives us hope and i really feel so good about our future.  After all the months of worrying that we wouldn't be able to have a baby, i now know that it is possible.  It just wasn't the right time.

I am doing remarkably well.  I never would have thought that i would have a miscarriage, but you know what?  I did and it hurt and it opened our hearts to how fragile life is.  

When the time comes again, we'll open our hearts to another life.

We move forward and count our blessings.

This Season of Our Life

On Sunday I came home to a beautiful roast chicken in the oven.  Hubs is the master of crock pot dinners and roast dinners.  He throws spices and ingredients together and it always tastes so good.  There is something so attractive about a man in the kitchen. 

The chickens we got this year are almost eight pounders.  Jason's uncle raised them and we ordered six.  I'm used to four pound chickens, which seem to be perfect for the two of us.  So I've had to be creative when we decide to roast an eight pounder. 

Sunday is our big dinner day in the cooler months.  Something homey, something warm, something that takes hours to prepare is usually on the menu.  When we decide to do a chicken on Sundays, well then the rest of the week is deemed chicken week.  I hate seeing this good fresh meat go to waste.

As we gathered home on Tuesday night, i began chopping green onions, while Jas pulled all the chicken off of what was left from our roast on Sunday.  We pulled together some buffalo chicken quesadillas, which were perfect for such a cold, near November, night.  We snuggled on the couch, watching our favorite Halloween movie, The nightmare Before Christmas. 

I love that we have traditions, even before we have little ones under foot.  Two weekends ago we had our annual fall/Halloween afternoon with our best friends.  Every year, Jas carves the pumpkin and gets so into it.  He is a Halloween lover for sure. 

I love seeing how we are constantly growing and changing as a couple.  Each season brings new passions, new interests, new talks and new adventures.  Each year we learn more about each other and we grow closer.  I thought i loved him when we met, I knew i loved him when he proposed, I felt his love when we said our vows, but really i never knew i could love him this much.  

Every year, growing.

The shorter days pull us inside as we light our first fires of the season.  Last night i used more of the chicken to mix with some vegetables to put into a chicken pot pie.  I gently rolled the dough, as we gathered once again and went over our day.  I put the remaining chicken in a bowl and put together a chicken salad for sandwiches.  Tossing Charlie a carrot as Jason chases him around the house, playing, always playing.  Jason went out to the porch and turned on the light in our pumpkin, which, yes, we light for a whole week before Halloween.  The pumpkin which sits next to the glow in the dark skull that my dad got him last year. 

We settle into home.  We feast on this chicken that gave it's life to nourish us, meal after meal.  Another season is upon us.  Another period of growth and knowledge.  Of happiness and struggles.  Of learning and enjoying this life we built. 



Today

A year ago, i was sitting home, sick as a dog.

I was feeling bad for myself and my plans.

I was barely able to move without breaking a sweat and loosing my breath.

My heart was running a marathon while multiple pills a day were being pumped into me.

I witnessed my husband being amazing at taking directions from the doctors, scheduling appointments along with his work schedules, keeping my parents up to date, while taking such good care of me.

This past year has been such a roller coaster.  From getting diagnosed, to a month of disability from work to surgery to recovery and to finally taking one month at a time to balance out my medications.

My friend Katy recently wrote a post on her blog about living in the moment, and it really hit home.  I strive everyday to enjoy life, look at the positives and create a happy, healthy home.  We all know how fleeting this time is, and how much can change so quickly.

So today?

Today i am so, so grateful for this life, this love and everything our future holds.

"I'm so glad i live in a world where there are Octobers"
                                                                       -Anne of Green Gables

Midst of October

"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see."

                                                                            -Henry David Thoreau