Gathering Light

He suggests we roast a chicken for dinner, as the rain continues to fall.  Rain which is predicted to be quite the ice storm come morning.

I chop the carrots, potatoes, celery, onion and parsnips to toss with the chicken.  He prepares the chicken with herbs and butter.

He lights the cook stove as the sun sets on this shortest day of the year.

We gather around it's warmth, it's comfort.  Knitting in my hand, a glass of wine at my side.

He snuggles with charlie on the crocheted blanket my Nana made, next to the heat of the stove.

As the sun sets, we gather light from our Christmas tree, warmth from our home.

Our home is silent, besides the clicking of my needles and the snores from Charlie.

I light candles as we gather at the table to enjoy one of our favorite meals.

Our home & hearts are filled with so much love and peace.

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May your holidays be filled with warmth, light and love.

Christmas Spirit

Last year i had all i could do to get through the holidays with enough energy.  This year, i have been so enjoying getting into the holiday spirit once again.  One of the things i really love the most about the holidays is baking cookies and delivering cookie baskets to neighbors.  Our plans were canceled this weekend, as we had a nice snow day on Sunday, which meant gingerbread & sugar cookies were on the menu.

Growing up, my mom and i always did just this.  Spent the day in the kitchen listening to enough holiday tunes that my brothers and dad would eventually leave the house, and then walk to neighbor's houses the next day to deliver.  Another tradition when i was little, was to head down the road to Grandma Linda's house for an afternoon of sugar cookies and a craft.  I'm sure it was a nice break for my mom, while also allowing me to spend quality time with Grandma L.  We usually made a craft that i could give my mom for Christmas.  To this day, those years are still so fond to me.

Hubs helped by cutting out & frosting a few, along with taking some pictures of me, but most of the time he was in and out of the house, escaping the Christmas music!  Oh, he was also on quality control, as always :)

I also spent some time getting our family holiday cards, along with my photography cards ready to send out!

Ramblings

I was on my usual drive home from work on Friday night, thinking about my week and what will be on my list next week, what we'll have for dinner, what sessions i have coming up, what i need to get done for Christmas and oh crap, my gas light is on…again…..i suddenly realized how full my life is.

I am crazy busy right now, but mostly busy with good stuff, full stuff.  Five years ago i longed to be exactly where i am today.  To be happily married, have a good job and a beautiful, cozy home.  To have a grown up life.  And now I'm pursuing this photography gig, and loving every second of it.  The families and babies and children i get to meet, it brings me so much joy, but also really digs into a creative outlet for me.

Sometimes i fear that i won't ever be able to do it full time.  That thought is now pushed aside and replaced with drive and passion.  The more light i put forth, the bigger my business will grow.  It's a tricky thing when your starting a business, wanting to say yes to every session, but also realizing that you still work 45 hours a week and need time to just be and do.

Then i think about adding a child into this mix of work and photography and suddenly my gas light is on again.  I think about the weekends i spend doing sessions and how i will not want to be away from my child on the weekends, if I've been at work all week.  So what's the point of building this business now, if I'm just going to put it on the back burner when we have a kid?  Then i take a breath and remember that everything works out just as it should.  For real.

We ventured out to our favorite little dinner spot last night to decompress.  The Italian Farmhouse is just 20 minutes north of our house.  The barn was lit with Christmas lights and candles in the windows with holiday music playing.  I felt so happy, laughing with my husband through easy conversation as we enjoyed the cozy winter farmhouse atmosphere with delicious wine and food.  

(This photo just cracks me up.  Asking him to pose for me)

I had four photo sessions today.  It was busy and fun and exactly what i wanted to be doing.  When i came home, i dropped my things, grabbed my pup and escaped to the woods.  Gone for an hour in the forest was just what i needed.

I've realized that boundaries and dreams are gracefully balanced on each other. 

And sometimes to reach those dreams, you have to push your boundaries, let go of fear and let your gas light shine.

Tomorrow is a me day, and I'm so looking forward to it.

Our Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving, we are grateful for our health.

For our grandparents that spent the day with us.

For our parents and their continuous support and love.

For the bounty of fresh, homemade goodness that filled our bellies.

For the crisp winter air that blows through, reminding us that another season is upon us.

For the movies we watch Thanksgiving night, that never took a smile off my grandma's face.

For traditions that continue to grow and the beginnings of new ones.

And for our love, 

which i am forever grateful.

There's an elephant in the room

And it's called:

Miscarriage.

It totally sucked.

Let me back up.  

Jason and i finally got the clear to start our family in mid September.  After a month of trying, we were so excited to find out that we were pregnant!  I was totally not expecting to get pregnant the first month we tried.  Especially after all i have read up on women conceiving with Grave's Disease.  I was totally shocked, and so, so excited.

After all of this time waiting to begin our family, it was finally happening.  It almost felt surreal.

As a few of you know from this post, I was so ready and couldn't wait to start our family and have a baby.  I got a positive pregnancy test a few days before my missed period.  Jason and i began plans for the baby's room, our finances while i was on maternity leave, how we would tell our families, and thinking about what kind of parents we'd be.

He was so excited, and i loved that.

I ordered a few books and began reading about pregnancy.  I also updated myself with information about being pregnant and lacking a thyroid.  I called my doctor's office and made an appointment with a midwife for around 10 weeks.

I began drinking more water than i ever have before (which is a really good habit to keep).  I began eating a little differently, but not much.  I am a very healthy eater (for the most part), but i had to work on actually eating breakfast every day.  I just felt so happy and at peace.

I was amazed with how fast your body changes when a baby is growing.  My stomach was hard (and bloated) almost immediately.  I had all of the typical early pregnancy symptoms minus the morning sickness, which may have come.

I was only pregnant for six weeks.  I began spotting, then bleeding.  We went in for an ultrasound and i remember the nurse writing down; "checking for viability of pregnancy".  That made my heart sink.

I remember looking on the screen, feeling excited but scared, hoping for a tiny kidney bean to appear.  

The doctor was so kind.  She gently said that she saw the gestational sac, but no embryo.  It didn't hit me until she left the room.  I began getting teary eyed and Jason stayed strong and held me.  We had to go do blood work to check my HGC levels to see if i truly was miscarrying.  She said that i was so early that it was hard to tell by just the ultrasound alone.  

She called me on my way to work the following morning.  My number was low, very low for six weeks.  I couldn't catch my breath.  

Throughout the next four days, i lost the baby.  I have never experienced something so physically and emotionally draining.  My parents came over on Friday night.  They didn't know we were expecting yet, so it was quite the surprise to them.  We planned on telling both of our parents at Thanksgiving, so all of the future grandparents would be together.  It was so nice having them there to take care of us.  My mom cooked while my dad cleaned, it was wonderful.  Jason and i went to Starbucks for breakfast on Sunday morning, then we went and bought a puzzle to work on.  I needed a calming distraction.

I took out the pregnancy journal i started and wrote down our story.  I cried some more and put the book away for next time.

When the sun rose on Tuesday morning, i felt like i could really see it again.  We have so many blessings and I'm so thankful that we were actually able to conceive.  It gives us hope and i really feel so good about our future.  After all the months of worrying that we wouldn't be able to have a baby, i now know that it is possible.  It just wasn't the right time.

I am doing remarkably well.  I never would have thought that i would have a miscarriage, but you know what?  I did and it hurt and it opened our hearts to how fragile life is.  

When the time comes again, we'll open our hearts to another life.

We move forward and count our blessings.