Changes, Joy and fullness

Ear tubes were put in, and suddenly we didn't have to worry anymore.

A happy baby evaded our home, joy took over worry and fear.

I wrote this on IG two weeks ago:

For the first time in a year I'm not connected to my pump during the day. We're weaning off the exclusive pumping, I'm down to a morning and night session, thinking I'll drop the night one soon. It feels freeing and emotional. I know everyone has their own story and different experience with breastfeeding. Mine was hard in the beginning. His latch was never great. My supply was just enough. But once we started ep, he became a different baby. More content, happy and full. It's such a hard thing to keep up with producing for over a year. And, I feel good saying that I'm pretty damn proud of myself for it.

And then last week, i had my very last pump sesh.  After hours and days and weeks and months and full year connected to my pump, it was retired to the closet.   Close to 7200 ounces later, we're done with babyhood.

Halloween came, we carved a pumpkin, and watched Liam explore the textures of the slimy inside.  We all giggled in delight.

He happily wore his dino costume, looking cuter than ever.

We visited with both of my grandmothers - his great.  They have so much love for him, it warms my heart.  They have so much love for me.

I'm enjoying getting more time to pull out my macro lens and shoot some food.  I'm enjoying getting back into shape.

I'm incredibly grateful for this life we live.  With so much sadness and terror around the world, my heart  is filled with so much Thankfulness for our little family, our safe home, our warm wood stove, our fresh food and extremly cozy beds.  I don't take it for granted.  Our sheltered life.

I'm so grateful for my hubby, who continues to flow steady with my fluctuating hormones.  That darn thyroid is working on balancing out again after finishing breastfeeding.  It's hard on our marriage when it's out of whack.  We're getting there though.  I've been feeling happy again this last week, and it shows in our easier stride.  

This song has been my background music lately:

now and then someone special comes along now and then someone brings your life a sonf now it's love im hearing in the morning breeze you're everything i wanted love to be

and i'll love you til the closing of our days and i'll need you through the valleys and the shadows and the highways and we'll put our feet upon the path of life and its' byways

and in the morning when i wake up by your side in the evenings as we stand against the tides every hour that you're with me, i can see you're everything i wanted love to be

Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?

                                       -Mary Oliver

No ma'am.  I'm wading in, up to my chest, full of our beautiful life.

Replenish : Vermont

We drove into the evening, leaving blue sky's for dark clouds.  We navigated the twists and turns of the mountain road i know so well.  The rain turning to snow as we crested the top of the pass.  Liam's faint I'm-sick-of-this-car seat whimpers filled the car.  We arrived in the dark to the warmth of my parents home, tucked tightly into the mountains.  We ate dinner and baked two pies.

A weekend retreat in Vermont.

She knows this kitchen well.  From slinging babies, to active school kids, to teenagers filling the house with so.much.noise.  She moves about the kitchen with routine and rhythm.  The heart of her house.

She always says she loves to come to my house to cook and bake in my kitchen.  But this kitchen, with cabinets and counter tops that have always been on the replace list, it's just perfect how it sits.  To me, it's her and Vermont all in one.

Liam woke on Saturday at his usual six o'clock hour.  I quietly gave him a bottle, hoping for him to drift back into slumber, but he was too eager to greet the day.  I smiled, kissed him, scooped him up and brought him into my mom's bed.  She took over the loving, as i slipped back into a quiet room by myself.  I took an hour to read and doze.

As the sunlight filled my room, i realized that the snow i met the night before continued into the dawn.  Soft, steady flakes filled the sky and suddenly, the holiday season filled my thoughts.  After breakfast we bundled up and took Liam for a walk down to Grandma Linda's to say hi.  

Upon waking from his nap, we piled in the car and drove over muddy roads to the Library where my mom works.  It was Soup & Pie Sale day, a pretty perfect day to visit. 

I wonder if everyone's hometown does this to them, or if it's just me.  Coming home feels like such a retreat from my life.  From my busy schedule i long to slow down.  From fast cars and daycare drop off's and grocery shopping.  To long walks, to exhaling deeply, to joy and solitude.

I long for Vermont, and am working on finding it more in my everyday.

I'm working on slowing down & finding more solid ground where we live.  I don't want a retreat from my life.  I don't want to feel that way.  My life is a beautiful mess most of the time, a mess that i love and cherish.  There is beauty and light in even the darkest of corners.  I'm looking to find it more often.

On sunday, as the sun lifted the blanket of fog off the mountain tops, our early riser found his grandparents again, while i got to snuggle my love for a few hours, who arrived late Saturday night.  

I walked the dirt road, taking in the mountains, the sky, the leafless trees.  I smiled as wood smoke filled my breath and sunlight stung my eyes.  

This.

Today, i'm sitting in my cozy house, feeling grateful and full, with Vermont.

Letters to my father : : The in-between {part three}

I've been wanting to write another post for this series.  The problem is that I have all of these little memories and ideas scattered throughout my brain, that i was having trouble making them into a cohesive piece.  Then, the light bulb came on and i realized i could merge them together into something that felt right.  So for this installment, I'll be a bit random.  Details that are good and sad and joyful.  Bits of my youth when life began and ended in my bed on Jerusalem Road.

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Your balance was steady and laughter; contagious, as you'd spin me around the living room.  It was the summer in between home schooling and ninth grade.  I was taking a swing dance class down at Holly Hall and loved it.  At night, I'd show off the new steps or dance i learned and beg my brothers and dad to dance with me.  Jason (brother) would spin me around so fast and forcefully that i couldn't showing him the moves.   Adam would begin adding in other moves or just tickle me to death during the dance and i would get mad that he wasn't sticking to my dance steps.  Then dad would come home from work and happily, he'd begin swinging me around.

Soon after, we'd gather on the back deck for cold pasta salad dinner as the warm sun began to settle into the western sky.  I loved that summer, because for some reason, both of my brothers were home, at least for a little while.

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I believe the day was a typical school day.  I can't remember any specific details that made the day more than ordinary (however, i will always love the ordinary).  But that evening, over dinner, mom and dad said that there may be a chance to see the northern lights tonight, well past my bedtime.  The season was autumn turning into winter and the air was crisp, cool and clear.  The days were beginning to shorten as the smell of decaying leaves filled the air.

After bedtime rituals and homework were done, we gathered blankets and pillows and hot cocoa.  Mom made up a big ol' pile of warmth on the back deck as we snuggled together.  My memory remembers Adam being there, but Jason opting out.  Either way, i remember getting cozy in my sleeping bag and laying on the deck with my parents and brother.  I remember mom and dad pointing out the constellations we could see and telling me to not take my eyes off the sky, in case i see a shooting star.

The funny part of this memory is that i don't actually remember if we saw the Northern Lights.  But i remember feeling so excited to be up way past my bedtime and on an exciting adventure to our porch.  I remember feeling happy to be there, with my parents and brothers.  I remember waking up in my bed, not knowing how i arrived there.

Certainly, i suppose i fell asleep amidst the thousands of stars and the mountain air.  How could one not?

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Hiking.  Oh, how i despised a whole day hiking.  My parents were taking away a whole day of doll and imaginary play to hike a huge mountain.  Why?  I would typically groan and whine for a majority of the family hike.  Our black lab, Cody, and my brothers would basically skip up the mountain side while my mom dragged me and dad bribed me.  One foot in front of the other!, they'd say.  Or, An ice cream cone waits at the bottom!  One hike, i lost a shoe in a mountain of a mud hole.  On another i was so pissy that i decided to walk barefoot the whole way down the mountain to show them how tough i was.  Another hike i peed my pants.  And another one i cried about half of it.

I would always wonder why they insisted on dragging me along when i hated it so much.  They both had so much enthusiasm in the woods and it drove me nuts.  I'd think in my head, i don't care about another wildflower or misty waterfall.  Just get me home, where i can play.

Yep, i was a real peach on those hikes.  But thankfully, they pushed me.  They knew it was good and beneficial for me.  With a little bit of exposure and not over-doing it, hopefully i would find peace and joy when in the woods.

And i did.
I found more.  Comfort, gratitude, wonder, happiness and yes, peace and joy.  So much joy.

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My parents taught me that children view even the smallest experiences as the best adventures.  The three experiences above encompass joy and happiness and frustration.  But all three have really defined a piece of me.  In the midst of a busy life, I hope Jason and I can push the stop button some days pull Liam out of school to take a spontaneous day trip, just because the weather is perfect.  To spend many hours in the woods with him, because that is where Jason and i feel most grounded.  To let him explore and experience all of the gifts of the seasons.

By taking little slices out of the ordinary and celebrating change or a moonlit snowshoe or sleeping in a tent in the backyard or having ice cream for dinner, we show our children that our responsibility to the ordinary is there, but adventure is always available.

This is one lesson from my childhood that i will never take for granted and promise to give Liam the gift of an adventurous life.