We've begun to wake while the moon still illuminates the early morning sky. Our awakening period is slow and then rush-rush-rush to get out the door. I pack tiny containers consisting of fruit, cheese, beans, crackers, olives and tomatoes. My grocery cart no longer includes pouches of puree's, he prefers to feed himself.
He takes a swig of water from his sippy cup, always surprised by the cool refreshment inside. He giggles and swigs some more. He always makes sure Charlie gets bites of whatever he is eating. They play together and follow each other around. Charlie licks him more than anyone else and Liam giggles in response. Charlie lays on the floor quietly while Liam crawls on him, pulls his ears and pokes his eyes. He's the best big brother.
Motor sounds are made as soon as wheels are in view. He watches tires, always. Tractor tires digging through raw earth, car tires traveling fast over paved roads, toy truck tires moving around under the weight of his hand. Daddy talks to him about machines and the makes and models of different equipment. They talk of the sandbox that will be built in the spring and the swing set not far behind.
I feed him my diminishing supply of breast milk and watch as his hands curl into chubby fists, holding the bottle to his mouth. I'm brought back to his newborn days, his tiny fists opening and closing around my breast. His body, the weight of a cantaloupe. His eyes, finding mine and trying to focus on this foreign, new world.
Today, his eyes twinkle.
He consistently says Dada, Baba, Brummmmm and Truuuuuuu. The last one is for truck, tractor, or basically anything with a motor.
Mama is not clear and only mumbled when he's sad or tired. When he needs my comfort and support. I'd love for it to be said in times of happiness, but i secretly love that i'm his security blanket.
Jason will say mama mama to help him learn, Liam instantly gets a twinkle in his eyes and responds with a delightful dadadada. It's the cutest and most spirited.
Still toothless and still a huge appetite.
His favorites are:
Natural hot dogs, chicken, ketchup, raspberries, watermelon, fresh mozzarella, pasta with tomato sauce, eggs with salsa, tomatoes, green beans, Late July "Ritz" crackers, Annie's bunny grams, toast, apple/cinn Cheerios, mac & cheese and steamed carrots.
Some mornings i wake and cannot imagine leaving my baby for the day. I miss him and the pleasure of watching him explore and grow. Yesterday, was that day. In the early morning hours, as we snuggled in bed, i decided it would be a day at home. After a quick trip to the office to grab my computer, we returned home to work and be together. I miss having days with him during the week, but am ever so grateful that i'm in the position to determine when i want to / need to work out of my house. Most parents aren't so lucky.
Last night as daddy swooped home and began racing cars, i wrangled some dinner together. After being home all day, the house was a disaster, but a beautiful one. A house full of life. I smiled as my boys played together and we chatted about our days in between motor sounds, laughs, screams, poopy diapers and Peter Pan.
My dream has become my reality.
What is my next dream?
What's going to keep me pushing my creativity and building it into my days? I've been working on that lately. The few years before getting pregnant, it seemed like i was always waiting for our life to start as a family. I was consumed in the thoughts of becoming a mom. Now i'm here, and i'm feeling free. I'm feeling like i can grow and focus on myself for the first time in years.
Over the past month, i've begun to put myself first again. Not all the time, but here and there. I feel like the first year is so totally consuming in worry and joy and fear and so much tiredness, that you just function. You breathe and laugh and work and move with your rapidly changing baby.
Rapidly changing life.
I've begun to wean myself off of the pump and it feels weird and good and freeing and a bit sad. Not a lot sad, but just a bit. I imagine if i was still nursing at all, that i would be feeling so much more, but i'm just his milk supply. I have been for a year. I'm pretty freaking proud of myself too. Between doubt and worry and clogged ducts and bathroom pumping and tired pumping, i pushed through. It was hard, but i feel like it will always be such a great accomplishment for me.
We talk about how fast and slow this year has gone. How tiring it has been having him have back to back ear infections for six months. How we would be absolutely crazy to do this again. He had a good bout of colic the first three months, then we had a couple months of settling into a routine, then daycare came, along with the ear infections. Parenthood is no joke.
But.
But, amiss all of that. Really? It's just blood work every four weeks and morning sickness for a few. It's just a few months of sleepless nights. And we have this boy. This boy with the most smiles and infectious laughter. Our hearts are SO much bigger because of him. My mind wanders to a daughter and what that would be like. Or another son and having two boys playing together out back.
Right now, we're so, so content and happy to have Liam. We wished and hoped and prayed for a healthy baby, and we got him. He lights up our life and we're rolling with that for now.
I think we change and evolve daily, so to say that a year from now i won't want another baby is unknown.
I do know that i'm feeling more complete since becoming a mom.
I always felt like a part of me was missing.
Jason and I had five years together where it was just us. We did most things together and kinda moved in the same groove. Adding a child to the mix has brought us closer and been tough. What we had is now having to be found again, as we come out of the first year fog. I'm enjoying getting to know my husband again and dating.
This time a year ago i was cleaning my house top to bottom. My mom and dad came over and we washed windows, organized the loft and i wiped my floors up on my hands and knees. We cooked a turkey dinner, because: third trimester. A few days later my contractions began and i was in disbelief. I was only 38 weeks, surely i had another 2-4 to go. Everyone was overdue with their first baby, right?
Liam sent me through a long, intense labor. One i remember as not being so painful, but more tiring. The human body totally amazes me. I know it must have hurt and been so intense, but what i remember most is pushing his six pound five ounce body into the room. His high pitched newborn cries that ceased as i brought him to my chest. His beautiful eyes, opening to see me, his mama, for the first time. Jason kept his hand on my head, softly stroking my hair as we introduced ourselves to him. He kept saying, "hi bud, it's ok bud, daddy's here."
My heart melted and my body began to recover from labor.
I'll never be able to put into words the love and feelings i have for him.
I just know this year has been the best one of my life.
