Plans and Our Path

What is normal?  How does one define it?  I suppose some define it as everything going as planned, smooth sailing, secure, happy and you fit in with the Jone's (who the hell are the Jone's??).  Maybe that is idealistic.  Or maybe normal is, in fact, your life.  Strings that tie one experience to the next exciting thrill, with a low point mixed in.   As adults, we know that life is not all good times.  We know that hardships happen, and loved ones get sick.  We know that as much as we can pray and wish and hope and dream that things will be smooth, there will always come a time when you're riding that sled down the hill, laughing and knowing everything is perfect....and bam....... you just hit that f***ing tree.

My tree was big and tall and strong.  My tree took me by my arms and shook me around a bit. 

I was hesitant on sharing this story here, but i have to.  This is now a part of me, so i have to be able to express my thoughts going forward.  I was admitted to the Hospital on October 16th.  In the early morning hours, i was experiencing shortness of breath and nausea.  I was shaking all over.  My husband got me dressed and brought me to the ER.  They checked me right in (luckily the waiting room was vacant), and within minutes i had all sorts of wires and a EKG machine hooked up to me.  The doctors and nurses calmly chatted with me, while they rushed around, trying to pretend things weren't serious.  

I remember my husband being more worried than i have ever seen him.  I remember him asking all of the right questions, while i joked around trying to get the nurses to give me a drink of water, i was so damn thirsty.  I remember them putting defibrillator pads on my chest and back, and seeing my husband sit calmly, but more aware.  I remember them putting medicine into my iv that made my heart stop, my body clench, my throat tighten, and my breath nonexistent.  It lasted three seconds, and they put that medicine in me three times.  I remember crying from fright and the feeling like horse kicked me in the chest.  I remember the Kleenex box Jason had, and how he wiped my tears. 

I remember the doctor saying that the medicine didn't work, to slow my heart down.  I was still beating at 170 BPM.  A young nurse came in and drew some blood.  The doctor asked if i was pregnant.  Jason  said we were not sure, but i could be, we hadn't taken a test yet.  We were trying to have a baby.  The doctor nodded and walked away. 

We had to wait ten minutes for the cardiologist to come and look at my heart monitor, Jason stepped out of the room to call my parents and our work.  All i could think about was how thirsty i was and nobody was helping me out with any water!  Jason said i was funny in the ER, like i didn't really get how severe this was.  I was probably out of it, with my heart racing a marathon and all.

So the cardiologist came in, examined my monitor reports, and said that my heart is not the problem, and is perfectly healthy.  Thank god!!  At that point, my first doctor came back in and said the blood tests relieved that i had hyperthyroidism.  And i had a severe case of it.  On his way out, he turned around and said:

Doctor:  Oh, and you're not pregnant.  (quickly rushes out)

Me:  Well thank god!  Who knows what drugs they have been pumping through me!

Hubs:  Huni-  look at all these machines hooked up to you!  Look at you're heart going nuts!  Thank god they took those defibrillator pads off.  I'm so glad those are gone.  phew.  I'm going to call you're parents again.

Me:  I'm really, really thirsty.  I'm sad we're not pregnant.

Hubs: Huni, you just said you were happy we weren't! 

And so it went.

I spent the night in the hospital with hubs by my side, while they monitored my heart and got the rate down to 110 when i was discharged the next day.  Over the next few days, i met with the endocrinology specialist, in which case he determined that i have Grave's Disease, which is caused by my hyperthyroid.  There are three ways to get the thyroid under control, but he suggested in my case, to have surgery and remove the whole thyroid.

Super.

I am home until the surgery and i recover, choking down 15 pills a day.  After talking over all of our options, this seemed like the safest way for us to still have a family, and for my long term health.  Once the thyroid is removed, i will just take one hormone pill a day, for the rest of my life.

It seems like once the thyroid is out, it will be one of those diseases that i forget i have.  It will not be apparent and will not interrupt my life, our life.  The dotor told me that it is the type of disease you will die with and not from.  Which is a neat way of thinking about it. 

And really, so, so many people have a thyroid problem, and they are living happy, normal lives. 

My new normal is pretty damn close to my old normal.  I know for sure I'm not pregnant (and can't be until they adjust my hormone pills after the surgery), so i can have a glass of pinot noir with dinner and a pumpkin beer on the weekends.  Right now, i can't let my heart rate get too high, so my love takes me on drives and we sight-see.  Or we goes on four wheeler rides, so i can get out into the woods. 

I am feeling lighthearted to the fact that we just missed the danger of Sandy.  My heart goes out to those whose home was flooded, and life flipped upside down.  I still have a roof over my head, a warm stove heating the house and fresh food on the table.  We are so lucky.

Right now i am enjoying having the time to take an afternoon nap, and to bake some fresh bread for the week ahead.  I am realizing that you can't take even one day for granted, and that this life really is pretty awesome.

I am reflecting and feeling grateful that we did not get pregnant, so that i can get my body back to normal before i have a life inside me.  I am imagining giving birth in a different season that we had planned out just right, and falling in love with a new journey, a new idea.

We are watching fall become winter and enjoying using our cookstove once again.

And finally, i am helping hubs chop down that tree, to fuel our fire. 

I am alive, I am well and I am happy.

All is right in in our world.